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It was high noon, and they had all come to whack Cooper. Pat Cooper, that is. At the Friars Roast luncheon at the Hilton, the barb-tongued comedian—usually the prime dispenser of insults at the annual filet-fest—found himself at the receiving end of the potshot launcher for a change. A platoon of his fellow friars relished the chance to turn the tables on the old man. Lisa Lampanelli, a “cross between Don Rickles, Archie Bunker, and a vial of estrogen,” officiated as this year’s Roastmaster and insisted on being called “master”, not “mistress”, for “this is a job I can do standing up, not lying down.” Stewie Stone charmingly referred to the master as “the antidote to Viagra.”
Jeff Ross recounted Pat Cooper’s auspicious beginnings (“He started on Cruise ships: The Nina, The Pinta, The Santa Maria”) and proceeded to sum up the present (”His career on the rocks … all bitters!”) Prior to unloading his barrage of gibes, Richard Belzer solicitously inquired of Mr. Cooper if he was sure he wasn’t dead yet. Others who added their two cents of roast: Robert Klein, Artie Lange, Norm Crosby, Michele Balan, Jim Norton, Al Roker, Jeff Pirrami, Joy Behar, Opie and Anthony, Tony Roberts, and Danny Aiello. "The only female these guys have been in over the past 10 years is Beth Israel,” Colin Quinn explained, and Jeffrey Ross described the boisterous congregation thus: “Never have there been so many mediocre Italian actors in one place. This is like a casting call for OK-Fellas—not a who’s who, but a who’s left! Joey Bishop was supposed to be here but he took the easy way out!”
Mike Tyson was supposed to be there as well, Roastmaster Lampanelli explained, but he “couldn’t make it because he had a previously scheduled rage.” Then she briefly turned to discussing dietary matters, “Al Roker lost all his weight when he stopped taking Katie Couric’s s--t!” As to the lineup of luminaries in attendance, Ms. Lampanelli reassuringly remarked that “the last time I heard these names I was playing Trivial Pursuit, the who-gives-a-[bleep] edition!”
Due to general printability issues, most of what happens at the Friars Club stays at the Friars Club. Founded in 1904, the fraternal organization is to political correctness what a horde of elephants is to a bed of roses. Nonetheless, it is considered the premier arts organization in the entertainment industry.
Needless to say, they only roast the ones they love.
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